I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to my singleness. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only single twenty-something that feels that way. If I am, don't tell me.
I love it for obvious reasons. I only have me to think about when it comes to major life decisions (like quitting a full-time job). I only have to worry about providing for myself. I can take spur of the moment trips whenever I want. My weekends are devoted to whatever I choose to do and not having to be here or there. I get the whole bed to myself. I can drink the whole pot of coffee. The house can be however messy or clean I want it to be.
I also hate it for obvious reasons. It can be lonely, because as a single, there is only one of me. Literally the definition of single is "only one in number." There isn't anyone to share the pot of coffee with in the morning. Trips by yourself can be wonderful, but road trips are always better with a buddy. There isn't anyone there to bounce ideas, dreams, hopes, fears off of and get their opinion. Two for one deals just aren't the same. I have no one to bake for.
Getting honest here, I think one of the hardest things for me is getting my faith and my singleness to collide. Faith is all about trust and being confident that God is who He says He is. I trust and believe that God is who He says He is. And I believe that He will use every season of our lives for His glory if we are willing and obedient to trust Him. Singleness should be the easiest area for me to hand over and let Him use, but for me it's the hardest. I want to be open and willing to follow the Lord during this season, but it's like I'm not willing to give up my singleness entirely. And when I say "give up" I don't mean in the sense of one day not being single, but in that if I say, "Lord, use this season entirely as You wish." I'm afraid of where He will lead me.
Yet, fear and trust cannot exist together...
And I cannot surrender one part of my heart and not another. He gets it all.
There are days that I feel I would be okay and enjoy being single for my lifetime. And there are days that I deeply long to be married.
The constant daily struggle is handing it over to the Lord, trusting Him, and trading my feelings, desires, and wishes for His.
A couple days ago one of my friends shared a video of David Platt speaking on singleness and authentic Christianity. I listened to it on my way to work one morning. It encouraged me, but also challenged me. After listening, I asked myself if I was fully allowing God to use me in my singleness for His glory. Clearly, by my thoughts and rant above, the answer is no. There is so much more that God may be calling me to, but by not surrendering my singleness fully, I won't ever know what that is. Platt said something in the video that really challenged me:
"There is a divine purpose in singleness that must not be wasted."
Whether single for a lifetime or not, I want my life to be one of undivided and undistracted devotion to the Lord.
Fully surrendered and all for His glory.
Not a moment wasted.
I'm not exactly sure where He will lead me or what He will lead me to. And I don't know what the journey there will look like. Yet, I know that my ultimate call in life is to proclaim who He is to everyone and make disciples of all nations. The journey can only begin with a fully surrendered heart. And I don't want to waste another day.
Singleness is both a gift and a struggle for me.
It is something I daily need to surrender to the Lord and trust Him with.
What do you need to surrender to Him today so that you don't waste another day?
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