A few weeks ago, the tree in my front yard was full of bright, pink blossoms. A hint of spring in the middle of winter. Today, the leaves are green, bright and colorful in the midst of other trees still bare. Yet, nearby, pink azaleas, both light and vibrant, are already blooming as well. Petals and green leaves hold on tight under a sky mixed with grey and white clouds with a hint of blue sky, as the wind blows dead, brown leaves across pavement.
I love watching the wind blow. You can see it travel, first hitting a tree way off and then others following suit as their branches and leaves begin to sway side to side. Petals and green leaves seem to dance, while the dead leaves tumble across the driveways. I want to be like the petals and green leaves. Holding tight to their branches, dancing as the wind blows by. Blooming. But, I find myself more like the dead, brown leaves. Tumbling, head over heel, as the wind blows. Thrown from driveway to driveway, trampled by feet and car tires. Nothing to hold on to.
My mind doesn't dance with the wind, it tumbles with constant worry. Worry about all the things that can go wrong. Worry about what I will do next. My mind doesn't dance with the wind, it tumbles with constant sadness. Sadness over things I do not have. Sadness over how lonely my heart often feels. My mind doesn't dance with the wind, it tumbles with being angry. Angry about all the things I can't do. Angry about how things always seem to be just out of reach.
My mind tumbles, but what does it take to dance? What does it take to bloom? The petals, green leaves and dead leaves all feel the wind. The wind moves them all in some way. Attached to their branches, the petals dance as the green leaves follow. The dead leaves tumble by, no longer is their place on the branch. They all feel the wind, but whether they are attached to the branch or not, determines how the wind moves them.
Apart from Christ, my Branch, I can do nothing. My mind will tumble all day long, as the wind blows, and as long as I'm not connected to Him I'll keep tumbling. But, how is it, why is it, that even when I find myself attached to the Branch, I don't always see myself blooming? Or dancing? Only tumbling? I know the source of everything I need, but I'm not letting Him nourish me. Instead of letting Him grow me, I'd rather fall off the Branch. Yet, I know that the moment I leave the Branch, nothing will be the same. And all chances to bloom will be gone, tumbling down the pavement with me. Apart from Him, I can do nothing.
The wind is coming, it's inevitable. Worries, sadness, anger. If I'm the dead leaf, I'll only continue to tumble when the wind reaches me. But when attached to the Branch? I'll have life, vibrant and bright. And when the wind comes, I'll be able to dance. And one day, if I keep hanging on, I might even bloom.
I haven't read something so timely needed in my life as the article that I just read and have shared at the bottom of these thoughts. I had just finished reading about the birth of Samson in Judges 13 and then about the nameless woman that was Samson's mother. A companion study book, that my roommate brought home one day, profiles more than 400 women in the Bible, Manoah's wife, Samson's mother, being one of them. The author writes on how this woman was many things, including being a disappointed woman because of her barrenness. A privileged woman because she was visited by an angel of the Lord. She was a Godly woman because she was a humble Israelite and described as faithful, self-sacrificing, holy, and "must have had a life corresponding to the separated character of the son she was to bear..." She was a happy woman because her prayers were answered as Samson came to be. But, she was also a sorrowful woman because of the way her son turned out.
I keep going back to what she was like as a Godly woman, because that is ultimately something that I strive to be. The author of this companion book points out that there is "no record of complaint or impatience over her childless state." In fact, I think she probably prayed a lot. Constantly, maybe. In return, "her prayer lightened the burden of her loneliness and sustained her patience. As a God-fearing Israelite, she had faith that He would answer her prayer."
So much do I see myself in this nameless woman, of the desire to have something that is yet to be. Yet, where she was strong and faithful in her praying to God, believing that He would answer, I am weak and lacking. My prayers are more cries and tantrums during fits of anger and loneliness. My first thought is often not to pray, but to turn my face and walk away from the Lord. But, what a lesson to learn from this nameless woman on faith and prayer. Constant and faithful prayer, when combined with the belief that God will answer, is life-changing. This woman's praying "lightened the burden of her loneliness." Yes, she had the companionship of her husband, but her heart was now naturally desiring a child. And the lack of that, her barrenness, created a new feeling of loneliness that only a child was going to fill. Yet, she believed and had faith that God would answer, so her constant prayer "sustained her patience." We don't know how old she was, so we can't be sure of how long she had been fighting this loneliness of being barren or how long she had been waiting for a child after her marriage began. But, anyone who desires something so deeply within their heart and is living without it, whether that be a spouse, a new job, or a family, will probably tell you that even one day, is one day too many without it.
The days kept passing and the nights still came. She was still without a child, but her patience only grew stronger because of her constant prayer and belief that God was hearing her. The moon would rise and the sun would set, but she never stopped believing that her prayer would go unheard. She must have believed that his mercies are new every day and that joy comes in the morning, because one day, many prayer-filled days later, her patience and faithfulness were rewarded. She had a son, Samson. And while her son lived a life that sometimes led him astray from the Lord and caused her sorrow, she knew he was her blessing, her answered prayer. And her story gives us an example that while God does indeed hear our prayers, the answers may not always turn out how we expect them to. But, no matter what the answer, we can expect the Lord to be glorified.
I never thought much about marriage or having a family when I was a teenager or even in college really. It wasn't until I graduated and eventually became settled in a job that those two dreams, those prayers, started coming into the light. Small whispers of what the future could look like. But then, the loneliness hit. The loneliness of turning twenty-seven and watching your friends get married and start their families. Of watching your friends get pets together, take vacations, get promotions, and buy a house. Those small whispers became loud screams of anger and questioning why it wasn't my turn yet. What did I need to do? What did I need to change? Who did I need to be?
On Manoah's wife and Samson's mother, the nameless woman, Herbert Lockyer said: "Barren though the nameless wife she was, she was yet believing."
I need to pray. I need to throw away my unbelief that the Lord isn't hearing me. I need to be more like the faithful woman that Samson's mother was. I need my prayer to lighten my burden and strengthen my patience. I need to not let loneliness win. I need to stop pushing it away and acting like it isn't something I feel. I need to see that my singleness isn't something that needs fixing. I need to believe this article below.
But most importantly, I need to believe that the Lord is good. That He hears my prayers. That His mercies are new every day. That joy comes in the morning.
"Lord, soften my heart." That's the prayer that I always whisper on February 14th. And I repeat it often throughout the day, because I hate that day. Honestly, I do. It's the one day I hate. I hate it because the enemy uses that day greatly against me.
Yesterday I woke up eager to spend the day at church. I had some small Valentines for my two-year olds, I was excited for worship, excited to see friends, eager to hear the message. And then I got on Facebook. Mistake number one. Flowers here, couple picture there, engagement countdown, cute kids in reds and pinks. Then I went to Instagram. Mistake number two. Same thing. Twitter came third and so did mistake number three. Same thing, just 140 or less characters. Immediately I just wanted to throw my phone and slip down under the covers again. "I hate this day," I muttered to myself. My heart starting to harden.
I made it to church, red lipstick and red necklace completing my outfit for the day. Because maybe that would help mask the hardness that was growing in my heart. I was the opposite of the Grinch, instead of my heart growing three sizes, it shrunk that many and more, growing harder with each shrink. Rowdy kids in Sunday school, sticker massacre on the floor, and little tantrums all began adding on to my growing frustration. "I hate this day," I said to myself. My heart growing harder. After making it through Sunday school, I walked against the crowd into service. I found my roommate and flung myself down, flustered and relieved to be done with kids for the day. Maybe I could finally start to enjoy the day. But it was too late.
The mutterings of hating the day, the whispers screamed by the enemy, the hardening of my heart. It had all worked. The foothold of the devil was great and he was about to ring the victory bell. I sang songs through gritted teeth, clasped my hands tightly together essentially in fists. My heart wasn't just hard, now I was angry. Angry that this day that I hated had to fall on the Sabbath. Angry that I was alone. Angry that I was allowing myself to believe the lies of the devil. Angry that instead of surrendering my thoughts and my sin to the Lord, I was choosing to hold on to it. I was just angry. I wanted to fight. I wanted to leave. I hated this day and just wanted to be back in my bed.
And then Pastor got up and said he was there to speak the Gospel. Because it was something we needed to hear. It was something I needed to hear. And in my anger, I didn't walk out. I sat down and said to myself, "Lord, soften my heart."
I sat and I fought through my feelings. I fought back against anger. I fought back tears. I fought back resentment.
I sat and I listened. I listened to love being spoken. I listened to reminders that I was choosing to ignore. I listened to truth.
I whispered, "Lord, soften my heart." And he answered back with love.
I was reminded of a love so great, so beautiful, so strong. That a man, perfect in every way, was given to me by my Heavenly Father to die for me. I was reminded of a love so great, so beautiful, so strong. That death and a grave, couldn't stop that love. I was reminded of a love that I was made for. I was reminded of a love that sets me free from every sin. I was reminded of a love that restores everything and brings back everything that was lost.
I was reminded of a love that fulfills every longing of my heart and gives me a hope and a future wrapped in eternity.
A future that is real, that is personal, that is certain. A future that is unimaginably wonderful.
My song of anger began to change. "Lord, soften my heart." Erase the lies of the enemy. Let those whispers be drowned out with cries of rejoicing! Lord, I pray that I won't hate the day. May I sing with open hands to you and with a smile on my face. Lord, soften my heart. Let this love that is great, beautiful, and strong always be real to me. May I always listen to the songs of love being sung over me and not the whispers and mutterings of hating the day.
Let the hardness on my heart fall away and let love fill those places.
"Lord, soften my heart."
I pray that you didn't spend yesterday in anger. But, if you did, may you whisper the prayer of "Lord, soften my heart." I pray that the love so great, so beautiful, so strong that even death and a grave couldn't contain, will replace the hard places in your heart. I pray that the whispers of the enemy be replaced with cries of rejoicing. I pray that we love the day.
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I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to my singleness. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only single twenty-something that feels that way. If I am, don't tell me.
I love it for obvious reasons. I only have me to think about when it comes to major life decisions (like quitting a full-time job). I only have to worry about providing for myself. I can take spur of the moment trips whenever I want. My weekends are devoted to whatever I choose to do and not having to be here or there. I get the whole bed to myself. I can drink the whole pot of coffee. The house can be however messy or clean I want it to be.
I also hate it for obvious reasons. It can be lonely, because as a single, there is only one of me. Literally the definition of single is "only one in number." There isn't anyone to share the pot of coffee with in the morning. Trips by yourself can be wonderful, but road trips are always better with a buddy. There isn't anyone there to bounce ideas, dreams, hopes, fears off of and get their opinion. Two for one deals just aren't the same. I have no one to bake for.
Getting honest here, I think one of the hardest things for me is getting my faith and my singleness to collide. Faith is all about trust and being confident that God is who He says He is. I trust and believe that God is who He says He is. And I believe that He will use every season of our lives for His glory if we are willing and obedient to trust Him. Singleness should be the easiest area for me to hand over and let Him use, but for me it's the hardest. I want to be open and willing to follow the Lord during this season, but it's like I'm not willing to give up my singleness entirely. And when I say "give up" I don't mean in the sense of one day not being single, but in that if I say, "Lord, use this season entirely as You wish." I'm afraid of where He will lead me.
Yet, fear and trust cannot exist together...
And I cannot surrender one part of my heart and not another. He gets it all.
There are days that I feel I would be okay and enjoy being single for my lifetime. And there are days that I deeply long to be married.
The constant daily struggle is handing it over to the Lord, trusting Him, and trading my feelings, desires, and wishes for His.
A couple days ago one of my friends shared a video of David Platt speaking on singleness and authentic Christianity. I listened to it on my way to work one morning. It encouraged me, but also challenged me. After listening, I asked myself if I was fully allowing God to use me in my singleness for His glory. Clearly, by my thoughts and rant above, the answer is no. There is so much more that God may be calling me to, but by not surrendering my singleness fully, I won't ever know what that is. Platt said something in the video that really challenged me:
"There is a divine purpose in singleness that must not be wasted."
Whether single for a lifetime or not, I want my life to be one of undivided and undistracted devotion to the Lord.
Fully surrendered and all for His glory.
Not a moment wasted.
I'm not exactly sure where He will lead me or what He will lead me to. And I don't know what the journey there will look like. Yet, I know that my ultimate call in life is to proclaim who He is to everyone and make disciples of all nations. The journey can only begin with a fully surrendered heart. And I don't want to waste another day.
Singleness is both a gift and a struggle for me.
It is something I daily need to surrender to the Lord and trust Him with.
What do you need to surrender to Him today so that you don't waste another day?
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The thoughts below were written while I was watching the sunset you see here.
The weekends that are filled with family and friends are some of the best. And some of the hardest. Not too mention when those fantastic weekends are near the holidays. I think most singles would agree that the holidays are the worst.
They are the best because of laughter, dancing, and smiles. They are the hardest when you are single or missing a family member. Because, it's during those times, that you want someone to be sitting next to you on the bench watching the sunset. Or you want someone in the seat next to you singing whatever song on the radio with the windows down. You see the silhouettes of coupes on the bench by the water and wish it was you.
And as much as I can confess that I've wanted all those things that I just said above, I can feel the sweet Lord wrap His arms around me tighter and say, "All in My time, child."
And the only reply I have is, "Okay, Lord. I'll trust You."
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Another day passes, another friend gets engaged. Another friend jets off on their honeymoon. Another friend pins away all the decorations they can't wait to add to their future house. Another friend announces their family is expanding by two little feet in 2015.
Another day passes and all I've done is driven to work and driven home again.
I'm not saying I'm not happy for these friends. I've said that a bunch and I've truly meant it every time. I enjoy getting to celebrate with them at parties and shower them with gifts. It seems like an incredibly exciting time. And I love the smiles that never seem to leave their faces.
But, I'm also not saying it's always easy for me to be happy.
I've heard it said a thousand times over, "enjoy your singleness" and I'm sure you have too if you are a single twenty-something. Our single days are the best, we can invest our time wherever we want, we can grow significantly in the Lord and serve Him all the more. We can go wherever and do whatever we want on a whim. We can order take-out every night and let the dishes pile up in the sink.
Well, of course I can. But, I could do all those with someone too. In fact, if I'm being completely honest, I would rather do all those things with someone.
"Focus on where you are, a man will come later."
That is easier said than done. And frankly, I feel like every time someone says that to me, they aren't remembering how hard being single can be. Because, it is. Hard. Extremely some days.
It's not just the pestering from friends and family wondering when you will introduce them to someone or the massive amount of wedding invites covering your fridge and blocking you from that delicious ice cream dinner that awaits.
It's the feeling that there is a void in your life and it seems like it is never going to get filled.
"Fill it with Jesus. Get lost completely in him."
Again. Easier said than done.
Why? Because I'm human.
And the sinful, selfish, prideful side of me wants to argue that He isn't always enough. That there must be more for me, because everyone else seems to be finding it but me. When will it be my turn? When will I get to post a picture on Instagram or Facebook and gather 122+ likes?
In a book I was reading the other day, the author talked about how one season of her life was "rapidly coming to a close" even though she wasn't aware of it. Isn't that true for all of us? No matter what journey or season of life we are in, it could all change tomorrow. Tomorrow might be the day that the Lord reveals to us a whole new journey that we never dreamed about.
My journey of singleness could start closing tomorrow with the introduction of some new man...
What then? How would that even work?
If that even happened, I would have so many more questions than I do right now.
So, clearly I'm not prepared.
There are some days where I feel like my single days are coming to a close. Have I met the guy that I think would change that? Not necessarily, I just have that "it could be any day/month now" thought. Because, I think back to what people tell me and how they say to enjoy life and do the things you want to do now, while you can.
And I've done those things.
I've lived on my own. I've traveled and served in some amazing places. I've lead bible studies. I've saved up money and learned to manage it. I've been unemployed. I've been underemployed. I used my savings to try and pay student loans. (Those last ones aren't pretty, but that's life.) I've seen my favorite band in concert...multiple times. I've stayed up late for meteor showers that never came. I've taken random, midnight road trips. I've seen the sun set and I've seen it rise. I've learned to cook a meal and bake an awesome apple pie for dessert. I've explored National Parks and put my feet in the Pacific Ocean. I've helped after natural disasters and I've sat with the homeless. I've stood beside my best friend as she got married and rejoiced greatly when my sister told me she was pregnant.
There's a lot that I have done and yet so much more that I want to do.
But, do it alone? That is another question.
My singleness journey could be coming to a close without me even realizing it, but am I actually ready for it?
Do I like being a single, twenty-something? Depends on what day you ask me.
Do I love being a single, twenty-something? I can answer with a resounding no.
Has the Lord revealed and taught me a lot throughout this season of life? That is an overwhelming yes.
Has He ever failed me, let me down, or not provided for me? No.
The Lord is my strength. He is my Rock. He is my comfort. He is my portion and my help in times of need.
And that is something I can rejoice about daily. On hard days and easy days. In sorrow and in triumph. Single or not.
My singleness journey has truly been one of the most difficult seasons of my life. It is hard and often very lonely. And I think that is something that people often overlook or just don't want to say out loud. Yet, the Lord reveals Himself in beautiful ways. Whether this journey is coming to a close without me knowing it or is here to stay for awhile longer, I will rejoice and praise my Father for all that He has done for me.
Are you in a similar season of life as well?
Has this season passed for you?
Any advice or encouraging words for those hard days? Because let's be honest, they will come.
Follow Me :)
I originally wrote this post for Paige's blog, Moments for the Journey, as a guest post. Wanted to post it here for you guys to see in case you missed yesterday and to link up with the Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop! This weekly link-up is hosted by Susannah at Simple Moments Stick.
There is something strange that happens when you grow up. You grow up.
You graduate college, you move away from home, you get a big kid job, you meet someone special, you get married, you have some kids, and then a whole new set of adventures start.
Or, if you are me, you graduate college, move to California, have a semi-full time big kid job for 10 months, move back home with your parents, go to work in a coffee shop, and watch the friends around you get married and have babies.
And while this is all happening, you can't help but feel like you've been forgotten.
As much as I know that I have a God who will never leave or forsake me, sometimes I feel like I completely missed an open door that He may have placed in my life. Maybe I spent too much time daydreaming about what I really wanted and I completely walked passed the open door that was going to lead me to where He wanted me to be.
I really wish he would have just pushed me through that door instead.
Something that I have been working on a lot these past couple of years is learning how to be content with where I am right now. Life is funny in the fact that we are always going to be waiting for something else. We waited to get out of high school, waited for that "real" job to start, waited for the right "one" to come along, waited for the wedding day, waiting for the kids.
No matter where we are in life, we will always be in a waiting stage.
Which makes it so, very, easy to allow yourself to sink into that feeling that you have been forgotten. That you have been overlooked. That you are going to be the only person on the planet left without "fill-in-the-blank."
If you look at my life, it's far different than most other 25 year olds. Well, at least the other twenty-somethings that surround me. Everyday I probably think of something that I would like to change or something I wish was different. I argue with God constantly about where I'm at in life and why I don't have what so-and-so has. I wonder all the time whether I'm ever going to get out of this stage of my life and move into the next. I wish for so much more than what I have right now.
I think, I argue, I wonder, I wish...
I wait for God. I wait for his timing. I wait for his push through that open door.
The real challenge is waiting patiently and contently.
The challenge is finding joy in the moments that surround me now.
The challenge is learning to love and enjoy the season that I'm in now.
The challenge is remembering that I am not alone.
You are not alone. Wherever you are right now in your life, in whatever season, you are not alone. And he is still God. He will forever and always be there for us. He will always be the one, true constant in our lives.
He never forgets me.
He never forgets you.
We are not forgotten.
"All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship."
Desert Song, Hillsong
Joining in the Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop!
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I know right after Christmas isn't ideal for such a heavy and real post. I apologize in advance.
Also, I really am truly excited for my birthday! I promise you!
We've mentioned it here and there in passing, but it's time we really talk about the looming subject at hand.
Being single during the holidays.
Oy vey. The holidays, Christmas especially, are a time to be happy! We have so much to celebrate, so much to rejoice over, so much to be thankful for.
And this Christmas has meant so much to me, more than any other Christmas, because I truly took the time to celebrate each day, what Christmas is all about. Christ, his coming and his future coming.
If there is one thing that we know, it's that the devil is so crafty and cunning. He knows just the right moment in time to strike you. And for us singles, one of those times is the holidays.
I remember something that my college minister taught us one night during worship. When we HALT, the devil is more likely to attack.
When we are Hungry.
When we are Angry.
When we are Lonely.
When we are Tired.
And loneliness can be one of the worst things for people during the holidays.
It starts with Thanksgiving. Which isn't really all that bad, except for the fact that it is the most perfect time to drown your sorrows in tons of comfort food and gravy. In your sweatpants, nonetheless.
Then, starts the pictures and statuses about how "we are going to cut down our Christmas tree!" "Time to take Christmas card pictures!" "Look at this lovely 'Our First Christmas' ornament we got!" "I'm so blessed by this guy, look at all these gifts he gave me!"
Please remember and know that I am so very happy for my friends who are in good, dating relationships, engaged, or happily newlywed. But, when it's constantly throw in our faces (and you clearly forgot what it's like to be truly single), it isn't fun.
And us single girls are just sitting over here watching Hallmark and Lifetime Christmas romance movies, while we eat our ice cream, as we daydream that we are actually the star actress of that movie. And that our old crush from years prior will magically come back into our lives, realize he is in love with us, and sweep us off our feet.
Insert eye-roll here.
But, in the true state of being honest with you all, I really can't stand those Hallmark and Lifetime romance movies. They are all the same. No hard feelings if you like them, they just aren't for me. Give me the Bourne Triology, Lost, or any superhero movie any day.
Then, after Christmas comes New Year. Where apparently whoever you kiss at midnight is who you will be with for the entire next year. Which implies to us single ladies that if we are alone when the clock strikes 12, well, better luck next year...or not.
Just pass that bottle of champagne please.
And, if you are lucky, like me, you get to throw a birthday into the mix! Nothing says a party like tons of leftover candy and chocolate, watching Netflix in your sweatpants (if you're single, you live in those things), while your friends are away and spread throughout the country, making it difficult to celebrate a monumental birthday like the big 2-5.
And really, all I want are some flowers.
I may be single and not exactly the girly-est girly girl, but I still like flowers. Lilies, hydrangeas, and daisies in fact.
Although being single during the holidays can be a drag. And thrown in our faces once or twice. It isn't what we dwell on.
As single people, we have to learn to find the joy in everyday things.
We grow and learn through our singleness that being single is not what has to define us.
I can give you the whole spill about how when you are single there are so many things you can do or how all your focus gets to be on your relationship with the Lord. But, you already know all that.
We've heard the lines about how this is just a season and if we "stop looking, love will come."
We know that all are maybe not meant to be married. (The hard truth to hear.)
We know that our joy is found is Christ alone.
We know that the only One who can give us true joy and contentment is the Lord.
We know He can do great and wonderful things through us.
We know we are complete in Him.
But, are we believing it?
Are we embracing the truth that He has spoken over us? Are we trusting the words that He has spoken to us?
Are we believing that the Lord is good?
Friends, He is so, so very good.
He is the true constant in our life that will never change. Whether we are single forever or happily married forever.
He continuously and daily sings joy over us.
His love is extravagant. His love knows no bounds. His love fills the holes of loneliness.
No matter what stage of life you are in. No matter if you are 16 or 25. No matter if you live on your own or still with your parents. No matter if you are single or married.
Let His love fill the holes in your life.
Let Him in and allow His love to fill every crevice of your being.
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Let's keep the realness rolling, guys. And let's be honest when we say that the holidays can truly be THE. WORST. time to be single. Pumpkin patches, fall leaves, outdoor concerts, fairs, apple picking, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all look better when you have someone to stand by your side. Can you tell yet that my singleness has been hitting me square in the face OVER AND OVER again lately? It has. Just ask Kiki and Amy who got a very long e-mail from me last night. But, they are amazing and didn't seem to mind it too much. You girls are angels for accepting and actually reading that random e-mail. :) Single girl struggle bus. I know it's route very well.
But, it never fails that when this bus comes back around (and keeps me hostage), I never find myself alone.
The Lord ALWAYS meets us where we are.
And He speaks to me in so many different ways. Including books and songs. My favorite "devotional" that I have is My Utmost For His Highest. If you don't have a copy of it, I strongly urge you to pick up a copy. Oswald Chambers is one of my favorites and his words are just amazingly powerful and true. It can be a bit overwhelming though. There are days where I will have to re-read a page about 5 times before I truly begin to understand what I just read. Anyways, here is something that really stuck out and spoke to me. If you follow me on Twitter, you've maybe already seen this.
"When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness." Oswald Chambers
Guys, we HAVE to get out of the way. We HAVE to put ourselves aside and let Jesus be first. We HAVE to have faith that He is going to take care of us. We have joy in knowing that He is protecting us. That His goodness is reigning over us.
This time, this season, this journey that God has me in, that He has you in, will not be for nothing.
We go through the fire to be made pure.
"For such a time as this..."
This is my time to show HIS magnificence. To show HIS glory. To give HIM praise. To serve HIM. To love HIM.
This is HIS time.
His time to show His goodness. To show His faithfulness.
This is HIS time to crush me, exalt me, or anything else HE chooses.
This is HIS time.
After I finished reading and dwelling on the entry in My Utmost For His Highest, I was listening to Kari Jobe while folding clothes.
And Steady My Heart began to play.
Friends, just look and listen to these words.
Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy?
Why is pain a part of us?
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
But You're here
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
I'm not gonna worry
I know that You've got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You plan
And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
'Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart
I'm not gonna worry
I know that you've got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Follow Me :)
I had absolutely no idea that this is what my life would look like at 24. Out of college for over a year. No job. Single. Living at home.
I will admit that while I was in college, I never truly thought about life after college. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do while in college, let alone after graduation. And in some part, this is still true today. I'm still deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Actually, I'm still learning how to listen to God and how to follow His will.
I'm learning how to be content with where I am.
Let's be real. When you are single, sometimes you feel like you are the only fish left alone in the big, open sea full of fish couples with little baby schools of fishes swimming all around you.
And then that open sea gets even bigger.
A friend you've known since childhood gets engaged.
Someone you went to college with gets married.
A couple you know just announces they are expecting a baby.
And before you know it, it feels like there is no place you can swim to, to get away from all the happy fishes.
This past weekend, I was that fish. And those three things all happened. On one day.
I've said it before that I am always happy for my friends and I love celebrating with them. They have entered joyous times and deserve to be celebrated and showered with happiness. And that is all I want to give. But, in the midst of celebrating, you can't help but wonder when (if) its going to happen for you. People all around you are telling you to be patient, to wait, that your time is coming soon, and that it always happens when you aren't looking for it, so stop looking for it. And what is our reply? "Yes, I know. You are right." But, what are we actually thinking in our heads? "Easy for you to say. You have no idea what it's like."
Not everyone gets married. Sorry you guys, I hate to break it to you. But, it's the truth. And it's a truth that I've been dealing with ever since my sisters got married. And then my friends in college. And then people I went to high school with. And then my cousins. And then...well, you get it. You can't possibly be a twenty something and not have a fridge full of wedding announcements, invites, and maybe even some future baby shower parties. It surrounds you. It consumes the life of your friends and your Pinterest. Flowers, dresses, receptions, games, music, invitations, and monograms galore. It's hard to ignore. And it's hard to look at.
Do I really think I'm one of those people that will never get married? Some days, yeah, maybe. If that is what God has planned for me. But, I also know that I do want a marriage. Not a wedding, a marriage. You know, that thing that truly begins after the party ends? That thing where two people do life together. Through sickness and in health? Through good times and bad? Especially the bad. I want to have somebody beside me to do life with. To enjoy each other and go on fun adventures. But, only if that is God's plan for me.
And honestly, if we have learned anything from this post, its that I have no idea what God's plan for my life is. I'm still learning. I'm still listening. I'm still discovering.
Even though I'm where I never thought I would be, I'm happy to be in this place. But, am I content?
Oh, there it is.
Content is so much different than being happy. Being content implies that you are satisfied with what you already have. So satisfied that you want nothing else. You don't need anything else.
Confession: I am not content.
I bet that if you swam around in that big, open sea long enough that you would find a school of fish that is just like you. A school of fish that is not made up of fish couples or little baby fishes swimming around. A school of fish that is also fighting to be content with where they are.
One of my friends spoke some amazing truth to me this weekend. Truth that is so often overlooked.
"We'll always be waiting for the next step. Once you get a job, its marriage, then kids, then the next thing and the next. We need to be content with who we are in God, where we are, so that we're not always stuck..."
We are always going to be waiting for something.
I may be waiting, I may not be content, but I won't stop celebrating. And we all have something to celebrate.
So, I will celebrate the engagements. I will celebrate the marriages. I will celebrate the new babies. They say good things come in threes! I will celebrate my friends. I will celebrate me. I will celebrate my family and my parents. I will celebrate my life. I will celebrate my singleness. I will celebrate all that God has given me.
I will celebrate Him.
I will learn to be content in plenty and in want...
Follow Me :)